And now, it's time for the Grand Owen Awards 2012, the first in what is soon to become the most prestigious awards ceremony in the history of the film industry, with your host, Claudia Winkleman!
CW: Well hello there. I'm Claudia Winkleman, and I'd like to welcome you to the Grand Owen Awards. Aptly named, I think you'll find. I'm just the first of many hosts this evening, as some are easier to write as stereotypes than others. As the presenter the BBCs' Film program, I like to think that I know some things about film. But tonight, I am irrelevant, as the glorious Robbie Owen has made all the decisions. Which is fair enough, really, as it's his awards. Without any further ado, I want to introduce our first award. It's the Owen Award for Best Soundtrack, presented by a man who is actually up for an award tonight, it's Bruce Willis!
Bruce Willis walks on to a rapture of applause.
BW: Hi there. It's a great honour just to be here, and can I say how great you look tonight Claudia...
CW: Thank you, Brucie, thank you.
BW: [Laughs] Well, I want to just congratulate all the nominees for all awards before Claudia introduces the contenders for this award, whatever it is.
CW: Thank you Bruce, now, each category has six nominees. The nominations for Best Soundtrack are the joyous, original score of The Muppets, a Bowie-fronted barrage in Perks of Being a Wallflower, the acqapella sounds of Pitch Perfect, Seven Psychopaths, nominated purely because it features Half Man Half Biscuit, Britpop-fueled Sightseers and the 007 eardrum bonanza that is Skyfall. And, Bruce, if you'd like to announce the winner...
BW: With pleasure. The winner of the Best Soundtrack award is... The Perks of, umm, Being a Wallflower.
The crowd goes wild. Bruce does not.
CW: Thank you Bruce. And now Mr Owen tries to justify his choice.
Me [On a video or something]: The use of music sent shivers up my spine on multiple occasions, both times I saw it. They're not just terrific choices, they're also very well implemented, and, for that, I think it deserves the award.
CW: Very good. And now onto our next award. It's a big one, it's the Best Animated Film, a subject on which many others look to the awards as a specialism. To present this award, we have Northampton Saints prop forward, Brian Mujati!
The audience look at each other, slightly baffled, then give a polite applause.
BM: Woof.
CW: Great to see you too.
BM: Grooowwwwwl
CW: So, up for this award, we have a couple of genuinely good films, plus a fair bit of padding. The Lorax is certainly just there to make up the numbers, as is Hotel Transylvania, actually, even though it was quite funny. The best Madagascar film, number 3, gets a nod, as does Pixar's Brave. Tim Burton's emotional Frankenweenie and the charming kids' zombie film, Paranroman, rounds us off. So, Brian, if you'd like to announce the winner...
BM: Grrrrrr PARANORMAN woofwoof
CW: Thank you, Brian, and congratulations to Norman! Here's our lord and master.
Me: Paranroman is the best animated film since Up. Charming and consistantly funny, it has a constant hint of darkness and melencholia that brings it above and beyond any other animated film released this year. Quite frankly, it's stunning.
CW: Wonderful. I wish we had some entertainment or commercial fiff-faff, but we don't so, we'll just hop on along to the next award. Here to present the prize for Best Cameo Performance, a new category, an innovation made by the Owen Awards, is that bloke from the Stereophonics, Kelly Jones!
The crowd go wild, mostly out of relief that it's not another South African rugby player without a grasp of the spoken language.
KJ: Hi guys, glad to be here.
There is an awkward silence.
KJ: Hey, Claudia, do your thing!
CW: Very well. Up for Best Cameo Performance we have... Back at his teen star roots, Johnny Depp in 21 Jump Street; a hilarious non-ironic hippy, it's Zac Effron in Liberal Arts; king of the cameo Bill Nighy; the incredible Chuck Norris in The Expendables 2; Tilda Swilton's turn as Social Services in Wes Andersons' Moonrise Kingdom and Signorney Weaver's surprise appearance in The Cabin in the Woods. Well, Kelly, do your thing...
KJ: Alright. And the Best Cameo Thing DOESN'T go to Chuck Norris! It's Zac Effrons'!
RO: It's the reason I created this category. I've been trying to tell people what a great actor Zac Effron is for ages, and his laugh-out-loud funny turn in 90-minute charm-assault Liberal Arts is is one of his most notable performances to date.
CW: So, here to collect his award, it's the man himself- Zac Effron!
Much wooping happens.
ZE: Hey, well, umm, thanks. I'm, like, so glad to get this award, and, umm, the movie was super-fun to shoot, even though I was only there for, like, umm, two days. I'm just glad you guys loved it so much! Peace out.
CW: Alright, and now, Best Screenplay. An award celebrating the wit on the page, not the wash on the screen. I don't know what that means. Here's James, who sung that song, Sit Down.
The speaker system plays Sit Down by James. He, ironically, stands up and walks to the podium.
J: Thanks for having me.
CW: Oh, you're very welcome. Up for this award are Joss Wheddon's horror deconstruction, Cabin in the Woods; kids' comic masterclass, The Muppets; kids horror deconstruction masterclass Paranorman; sharp and smart Seven Psychopaths; chillingly hilarious Brit murder-romp Sightseers and the unashamedly vulgar comedy, Ted. James, if you would like to do the honours...
J: Cabin in the Woods.
RO: In the course of 90 minutes, Whedon tore apart every single horror cliché the last 60 years have given us. However, it's not the smarts that got him the award. He then peppered the deconstruction with laugh-out-loud funny jokes and nods, both inside horror and outside it, that made me smile more than the genre really should. A very tight category, but well deserved.
CW: Unfortunately, Mr Whedon doesn't actually care about his award. And now -Ssh you- it's time for the Best Foreign Language Film. And it's also time for Stephen Fry.
There is no audience. For some reason, they have all disappeared. Stephen Fry is just as baffled as everybody else.
SF: Thank you, thank you. I'd just like to say what a gargantuan honour it is to be here today, in the company of some of the finest cinematic minds this planet can boast. I'm not quite sure what's going on, but I'm glad to be here.
CW: Ha ha ha. Up for the best film not in English are Amour, which was my film of the year, just to let you know, A Royal Affair, another Mads Mikkelsen picture, The Hunt, and Yuma, which nobody has ever heard of. Stephen?
SF: Claudia. And, I'm afraid, sorry to tell you, Ms Winkle, but the award has gone to Denmark, it belongs to A Royal Affair!
CW: You're wrong, Owen. You're wrong. I'd leave if it weren't for the fact you can't actually think of another presenter you could write now you've got into the grove of typing as I talk, only obviously you can't do it as quickly.
RO: Cheers Claudia. A Royal Affair is magnificent. Mikkelsen is the King of Denmark, regardless of what role he's playing. He glides around, with other performances falling into place around him. You won't notice the subtitles.
CW: My pleasure. Less pleasurable, though, was the winner of our next award. Yes, it's time for the Worst of the Year, and we're going to start with the award for Worst Actor/Actress, and to help me present it, is my regular Film 2012, or 2013 now I suppose, co-host, critic Danny Leigh!
There is a polite applause.
DL: Hi Claudia.
CW: Hi Danny. Do you want to unveil the winner?
DL: I do after you've done the nominees.
Claudia does an embarassed laugh, then covers her mouth and continues in a professional manor.
CW: Miley Cyrus for being truely cringetastic in So Undercover; Rebecca Hall for being extremely annoying in Lay the Favourite; Keith bloody Lemon, Leigh Francis; The king of the bland, Taylor Kitsch; Kitschs' fellow Battleship star, singer Rhianna and the cockiest boy in the world, This Means War's Chris Pine. Danny?
DL: Claudia. And, the winner is -deservedly, I must add- Mr Taylor Kitsch, for his face-gnawingly screen-dead performances in Battleship and John Carter.
RO: I think Danny summed that up.
CW: And we've got the man himself here, to claim the prize!
There is a jeering as Taylor Kitsch takes the stage
TK: I just can't act. I'm sorry. There's no need to be mean to me. It's not my fault any film feels lifeless whenever I'm on screen.
There is a ripple of sympathetic applause.
CW: Humble. While you're here, Taylor, we're not going to beat around the bush. You also won Worst Film for Battleship. Do you want that trophy, too?
TK: Yeah, alright. It was pretty bad.
CW: Top Cat: The Movie was the only film that came anywhere close to Battleship, although you'll be pleased to hear your John Carter also got nominated.
TK: I've had a good year.
CW: Evidently. Here's an award you'll never get nominated for, for a variety of reasons. One being that you're a terrible actor, the other being that you're male. But nonetheless, I'd like you to stay up and present the award for Best Supporting Actress.
TK: Sure.
CW: Amy Adams, for The Master, is our first nominee. Also in the running are James Bond's commander-in-cheif, Judi Dench, for Skyfall; Anne Hathaway, AKA Catwoman; the ever-brilliant Anna Kendrick for End of Watch; Kendrick's Pitch Perfect co-star, Rebel Wilson for her hillarious performance and Emma Watson, simply for not being Hermione Grainger in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Taylor, the honours?
TK: Sure.
CW: So, who won?
TK Oh, right. It was Amy. Amy Adams.
RO: There's been a lot of talk of Joaquin Phoenix and Philip Seymour Hoffman for their performances in The Master. While Seymour Hoffman has also been nominated, for me, Amy Adams was the best thing in the film. Also worth noting she was very good in The Muppets, but it's the strength of her performance in Paul Thomas Anderson's film that gives her the gong.
CW: Unfortunately, Amy was unavalible for comment. And now, to break up the acting awards, it's Best Director. No idea who's presenting this one. I'll just do it myself. Up for the award are Wes Anderson, for Moonrise Kingdom; David Ayer for End of Watch; Sam Mendez for Skyfall; Christopher Nolan for The Dark Knight Rises; Bart Layton for The Imposter and Joss Whedon for The Avengers. Forgive me, I'm tired and I don't get a break. The winner? Oh, the winner is Sam Mendez for Skyfall. Well done Sam. You deserve it.
SM: Cheers.
CW: Where did you come from?
SM: Dunno. I'll go away now.
CW: That'd be good.
RO: So well shot, so well captured, so well worked. The action is the best of the year, but it's the 'deeper' Bond everyone's been talking about that took him to the award. It's such a well-rounded film, and oh so well put together.
CW: Time for more acting. Best Supporting Actor, sponsored by Bill Nighy. Well, not sponsored, but you get the idea. To present this award, it's, fittingly enough, Bill Nighy!
The crowd absolutely erupts. They cannot contain their excitement.
BN: Oh, hey, hey there, guys. How are you all?
CW: I'm good, thanks Bill. No-
TK: Hey. I'm good too.
CW: What are you still doing here?
TK: Sorry.
Taylor Kitsch slinks back down into his seat. He looks dejected. But not actually dejected. He looks the same as normal, seeing as his face can't portray any emotion, but he feels dejected.
CW: The nominees for the best supporting actor are as follows. For Skyfall, the villanious Jarvier Bardem; for The Dark Knight Rises, fellow ne'erdowell, Bane himself, Tom Hardy; somebody already described as being incredible in this ceremony, Mads Mikkelsen for A Royal Affair; another Bat-nominee, it's Gary Oldman; not the highlight of The Master but still very good, it is The Master himself, Philip Seymour Hoffman and then our Brucie humself, Bruce Willis for time-travel romp, Looper. If you would, Bill...
BN: Of course, Claudia, of course. Oh, wow, the winner! The winner is Jarvier Bardem! For Skyfall!
RO: The best Bond villain in the best Bond film. Bardem just chewed up all around him. Menacing and yet strangely relatable, he embraced the daftness of the Bond villain role and did so by adding such plausability it wound up rather chilling. It's a Heath Ledger-as-the-Joker-esque performance. The heart of the film. Well deserved.
CW: Quite. Now, onto the big boys. And, in the interest of not appearing sexist, we'll do just that. The big boys of cinema in 2012. The Best Actor category. Up to present this award is Dobby the House Elf, who has come to the greatest lengths to be here tonight of anybody. Mainly because, until two minutes ago, he was a fictional character. But now, here he is, it's actually him, it's Dobby!
There are many mixed Potter-related chants, none of them can be made out from the next.
DTHE: Oh, hello friends! Dobby is feeling most welcome!
CW: Since when did Dobby talk like that?
DTHE: Dobby talks in third person...
CW: Whatever. Get on with it and announce the winner.
DTHE: Isn't Master Claudia supposed to read out the nominees first?
CW: I've done it again. Never mind. Up for the award- Gyllenhaal, Craig, Mikkelsen, O'Dowd, Renner, Gordon-Levitt. Wait, O'Dowd? What? Renner? Seriously? I mean, Gordon-Levitt's fair enough, but Renner? Alright, fine this isn't my job.
DTHE: And the winner is...
CW: O'Dowd? Really
DTHE: Master Claudia, if you could let me announce the result...
CW: Doesn't Master mean I'm a man?
DTHE: And the winner is... Jake Gyllenhaal!
CW: That's alright. I'll give you that. Or, rather, you'll give him that. But he's not here.
RO: Not sure quite how Mads Mikkelsen didn't win it, but Jake Gyllenhaal was simply brilliant in End of Watch. Brilliant to the extent that I forgot I was watching an actor, never mind watching an actor who'd previous starred in a personal favourite of mine, Donnie Darko. Whereas The Hunt made me think "Mikkelsen's good, isn't he?", no such thoughts occurred during End of Watch, and there can be no higher praise.
CW: Wonderful. Now, Best Actress, an award to be presented by Jennifer Lawrence, who, funnily enough, is up for the award, for both The Hunger Game and Silver Linings Playbook. The less said about The House at the End of the Street the better.
JL: Yeah, hi Claudia, lovely to meet you.
CW: Lovely to meet you too. Also up for the award are that Keira Knightley woman for Seeking a Friend for the End of the World and Anna Karenina but mostly Seeking a Friend for the End of the World; Elizabeth Olsen mostly for Liberal Arts but also for Red Lights and Martha Marcey May Marlene; Noomi Rapace for Prometheus and not at all for Sherlock Holmes 2; Alicia Vikander for A Royal Affair although, keeping to the theme, she was also in Anna Karenina and Emma Watson, who was only in one film this year. The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Jennifer, if you would...
JL: It'd be a pleasure.
There is a pause, then Jennifer looks at the contents of the envelope, baffled, then cheers a bit.
JL: There's two winners. That's a cop-out. Elizabeth Olsen wins 'Best Actress'. I win 'Actress of the Year'. I don't know what that means, but I'm going to SQUEEEE! Thank you!
RO: I split it up, yes, it is a cop-out, thanks Jennifer. But Jennifer Lawrence has had a great year. And she's been very good in the big roles gifted to her, unlike our friend Mr Kitsch. And I love Elizabeth Olsen. She's such a presence on screen. She lights it up. She's very, very good. So I copped out and chose two. Shoot me.
CW: And the most enjoyable film thing now. Muppets is going to win, it's obvious, but let's humour everyone. Avengers, Liberal Arts, Pitch Perfect, Sightseers and Ted are also nominated. All very good fun films. And here's the envelope. I'm opening the envelope. The Muppets wins. Hooray for that.
RO: The Muppets is my favourite film of the year. I love it. So much.
CW: And so, that leaves just one award to present. The Grand Owen Award for Best Picture. But, before we can get on with that, we have our anti-lifetime achievement award to present. Only, because this ceremony is a little bit daft, it's an inverse one. And only really for this year. So, without further ado, here is the ultimate negative contribution to Hollywood, Adam Sandler, to present the award he helped define...
Adam Sandler swings up tot he stage doing all manner of 'funny' walks and begins to talk in a variety of stupid voices.
AS: Aaaahhheyyyyy! Yo! Hey! Alright guys? How's ya?
CW: All the betere for seeing you, Adam. Now, are you ready to hurry up and present the award? I don't want you within my close physical proximity much longer.
AS: Alriiight! Aaaaaand the AWARD for Worst Contribution to 2012 Cinema is... Dramatic pause... NOT WON BY ME! Look at that! Magic! It goes instead to Taylor Kitsch. Sorry Taylor. Well done.
TK: It's alright. I accept it. I'm sorry, everyone.
CW: Wonderful. Yes, well. Now for the big one. The Grand Owen Award for Best Picture of 2012. And, to present the award, I'd like to welcome one representative from each film nominated. Out first nominee, A Royal Affair, a king-sized Dutch epic, is represented by the bloke who played the mad king. For End of Watch, the gritty, realistic, rewarding cop drama, we'd like to welcome one of the sound engineers, Seamus McFlanneface. Documentary extrordinaire The Imposter is represented by director Bart Lay- OOH! WHAT'S THIS?
Bart Layton pulls off a mask, revealing him to actually be Frederic Bourdin, The Imposter himself! Gasps echo around the arena.
FB: Yes, it is me. I am doing my trick. It is what I do.
CW: Fair enough. For Moonrise Kingdom, it's the witty charm-fests' writer/director, Wes Anderson. On behalf of animated zom-com ParaNorman, we have the guy from Kick Ass but not Kick Ass the other guy from Kick Ass. And, finally, representing MI5's finest agent, James Bond and his latest adventure Skyfall, it's Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. Alright, Liz. I think you'll agree it's been a fantastic year for cinema, and so, to cap it off. It's time to announce the grand winner of the Grand Owen Award...
And the winner is...
A ROYAL AFFAIR!
RO: Sorry, your majesty, but the Danish royal family trumped you this time around. It's Denmark does The Kings Speech, and it's ever bit as good as Tom Hooper's triumphantly British Oscar-winner. Mads Mikkelsen has been so unlucky to miss out of awards this year, but it's his turn, as well as the outstanding work of Alicia Vikander and this bloke who played King Christian, who came across as being genuinely mad, that wins them the title. A Royal Affair. The best film of 2012.
CW: Wonderful. Excellent. Thank you for joining us, but we're out of time. You can press the Red Button now to see the acceptance speech, but it's going to be in Danish. Thank you for joining us for the Grand Owen Awards 2012, I've been Claudia Winkelman and intend to continue being Claudia Winkleman. We'll see you next year!
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