"Argos"

The following was submitted as a piece of Creative Writing coursework as part of my University course. I just though I'd post it on here for the sake of it. You might as well read it.

"Argos"

Argos makes me feel uncomfortable. The system doesn’t make sense. Are shelves not good enough for them? I mean, they sell shelves, so they clearly don’t have a problem with them. I have never bought anything in Argos. I never intended to either, but last months’ court hearing has forced my hand. Seeing as I can never again legally visit a UK branch of Currys, if I want this new toaster, Argos is my only option. I just need to brave the desk now. It’s Item 8467008. Item 8467008…

“Item 8467008, please” I quiver.

“The Molatika 10XT?” replies the sloppy-faced hairball behind the desk.

“Yes.” I’m not really up for any more conversation.

“Excellent choice. The adjustable grilling allows for real ease when toasting, and it’s got a separate crumpet setting”

“It has,” the hairy man’s toaster expertise has put me somewhat at ease. It’s relaxing to have a chance to discuss toasters without resorting to the chaotic narcissism of toaster-mania.com. “Plus the bagel setting can be used at the same time as reheat”

“’N’all” he replies, which makes very little sense, but I don’t mind as he leaves for the back and returns slightly later than I would have been happy about holding a distinctive blue box that could only be the Molitika 10XT.

“Thank you” I reply, still overawed. I can’t help myself. I rip it open and gaze into the box, ready to witness the toasty glory of the 10XT. I scan the contents of the box in their entirety. It’s filled with the usual wires and polystyrene and… a bourbon biscuit.

“Where’s the 10XT?” I ask, hazed panic coming through in my voice.

“Check the small print” declared the man I had previously been willing to consider my friend. “Item may not be as pictured.”

“Yeah, but I bought a toaster!” This is why I hate Argos.

“No, you bought a biscuit!” 

It’s not like it’s even a good biscuit. Bourbons are vehicles of disappointment, the powdery brown there only to remind you that you could instead be eating chocolate.

“But what about my 90-day warranty? I want a new one!”

“Doesn’t apply for biscuits” I’m on the verge of becoming quite irate.

“What do you mean?” Confusion returns to the forefront of my mind “I bought a toaster!”

“Biscuits go off. You can’t have a warranty on a biscuit.”

“But I bought a toaster!” I don’t ‘do’ angry, but if I did, this would be the prime time to use that one judo session I did as a child to good effect.

“Look, do you want your biscuit or not? Because I’d be happy to eat it” He looks me in the eye. “From one toaster fan to another…”

This is the final straw. I leave the shop, making a point of throwing the biscuit on the floor. I would’ve stamped on it as well if only I had the presence of mind to do so at the time. Forget the lawsuit. I’m going to Currys.