2013 has been one hell of a year. It's rollicked forward at such a pace we as a race have struggled to even notice good things have happened at literally every twist and turn, contrary to everything the laws of both of chance and sod have taught us. Unless you're Rolf Harris, you're probably leaning back right now, sighing and whimpering "What a great year" whilst you mop your brow with a hand-stitched handkerchief. If you are Rolf Harris, I'm sorry mate. I was on your side.
As I'm sure you worked out, I am about to list my five favourite things that happened to me in the year that historians will remember as being 2013. It's a deeply personal list, and that's not even a joke. There are things on there that will mean nothing to most people, but if I said "Chelsea won the Champions League!" was a personal highlight in order to appeal to the populist opinion, then I would be lying. Besides, Chelsea didn't win the Champions League this year, so I'd be lying twice. That would be very wrong. It may just be the thing that shifts the balance in favour of an eternity yet to come being spent in the damnation that is hell. At least I'd get to spend it with Rolf Harris. Here's a list.
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
The Film Scoring List Thing II: The Revenge
It's 2013! That means I need a new list of every film I see this year! Last time out, it started of as being quite a slow thing that wouldn't get updated much. Then I bought a Cineworld Unlimited Card. I went on to sit through 113 screenings, including 93 different films, over the course of 65 visits to the picture house in 12 months. This year, I'd like to break 100 different films. That's my target. So expect this to be updated alarmingly reguarly once I reach the end of January and suddenly have a free-time explosion.
Les Miserables: 6/10- Full-on sing-song spectacle.
The Impossible: 6/10- Who needs five words? Devastating.
Zero Dark Thirty: 8/10- And Best Picture goes to...
Quartet: 5/10- Conneley makes an endearing pervert.
The Last Stand: 5/10- As bad as you'd hope.
Movie 43: 1/10- An embarrassment to cinemas everywhere.
A Good Day To Die Hard: 2/10- Stupid, soulless soporific consumerist tripe.
Wreck-It Ralph: 8/10- 100 minutes of 8-bit grinning.
Warm Bodies: 7/10- Zombio and Juliet. Great fun.
Beautiful Creatures: 7/10- Think Twilight with sharper dialogue.
Hitchcock: 5/10- Better than The Girl, anyway.
Lincoln: 8/10- I'd watch three more hours.
Searching for Sugarman: 8/10- An amazing story deservidly told.
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters: 3/10- Clumsily shot and messily written.
Broken City: 5/10- Good until the plot explodes.
I Give It a Year: 5/10- Interesting idea, doesn't work. Shrug.
Mama: 5/10- An ironically solid ghost movie.
Django Unchained: 6/10- Good thing, waaaaaaay too much.
Robot & Frank: 7/10- Robot heist on charm offensive
Monsters, Inc.: 9/10- God, I love that film.
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone: 6/10- Passes the six-laugh test.
Oz: The Great and the Powerful: 6/10- A reboot that actually cares.
The Croods: 5/10- Technically sound and soundly hollow.
Side Effects: 7/10- It's bonkers. I loved it.
Identity Thief: 4/10- Hahaha. Look, a fat lady.
Compliance: 1/10- Dubiously-motivated misogynist exploitation drivel.
Jack the Giant Slayer: 5/10- Meh. Bill Nighy criminally underused.
The Paperboy: 7/10- Odd yet compelling. Effron's great.
Trance: 7/10- Bargain Hunt meets Christopher Nolan
GI Joe: Retaliation: 4/10- Stupid, but so, so bizarre.
In The House: 8/10- Incredible. Thoughtful, pacey and inspiring.
The Odd Life of Timothy Green: 6/10- Shut up. I liked it.
The Host: 4/10- No Twilight or Truman Show.
Spring Breakers: 8/10- Words cannot describe Spring Breakers.
Scary Movie 5: 4/10- Decent jokes, talentless writers. Wasted.
The Place Beyond The Pines: 6/10- Brilliant first act, then meh.
Iron Man 3: 7/10- Very well-written. I'm impressed.
Bernie: 5/10- Black comedy without the comedy.
Love Is All You Need: 6/10- My favourite Danish Brosnan romcom.
All Stars: 6/10- Surprisingly good fun. Great cameos.
Chimpanzee: 5/10- Pleasant viewing. Not exactly gripping.
Olympus Has Fallen: 3/10- Olympus Has Fallen Asleep, probably
Star Trek Into Darkness: 6/10- I want more Benedict Cumberbatch.
Epic: 5/10- I want more Chris O'Dowd.
The Great Gatsby: 7/10- One man's (admittedly entertaining) take.
Populaire: 6/10- Must type these words quicker...
Summer in February: 5/10- Go back to BBC Two.
Man of Steel: 5/10- Great first hour. Snoozeworthy second.
Stuck in Love: 6/10- Lots to like. Mildly depressing.
The Purge: 4/10- Strong concept, clumsy execution. Shame.
Now You See Me: 6/10- Entertaining. Can't ask for more.
This Is The End: 6/10- Satan possessing Jonah Hill = Funny
Behind The Candelabra: 7/10- Too gay for America. Recommended.
The East: 5/10- Passable but ultimately forgettable thriller
Hummingbird: 5/10- Irreverent yet hard-hitting fun.
The Internship: 5/10- Mildly amusing product placement bombardment
Despicable Me 2: 7/10- Bottom. *Giggles for 90 minutes*
The Bling Ring: 7/10- A very smartly directed film.
World War Z: 5/10- Dead behind the eyes. Forgettable.
Monsters University: 6/10- Wasn't Monsters Inc. so great?
Pacific Rim: 7/10- Bigger robots, bigger fun. Terrific.
The Worlds' End: 8/10- Wright is my favourite director.
The Frozen Ground: 5/10- Nic Cage continues to exist.
Citadel: 7/10- Terrific little British horror movie.
Frances Ha: 9/10- An amazing, infectiously joyous film.
The Smurfs 2: 3/10- Smurf off, all of you.
The Wolverine: 6/10- Well-executed Japanese slasher nonsense.
Alan Partridge: Alpha Pappa: 7/10- Textbook Partridge humour. Jurassic Park!
The Heat: 5/10- I did laugh. Not enough.
The Conjuring: 5/10- I've seen it all before.
RED 2: 4/10- Bruce Willis back on autopilot.
Only God Forgives: 4/10- Ryan Gosling giving moody looks.
Kick-Ass 2: 7/10- So. Much. Fun. Love it.
2 Guns: 6/10- Misleading title. Contains 97 guns.
Planes: 3/10- Witless, pointless and dull. Bleh.
Percy Jackson: Sea of the Monsters: 5/10- Average yet refreshing kids entertainment.
Grown Ups 2: 3/10- Let's never do this again.
About Time: 8/10- Richard Curtis: King of Romcoms
Pain & Gain: 6/10- Micahel Bay's first enjoyable film.
We're The Millers: 5/10- Fails the six-laugh test.
Lovelace: 7/10- Amanda Seyfried is absolutely brilliant.
The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: 4/10- A lot of wasted potential.
One Direction: This Is Us: 6/10- Guilty as charged. I enjoyed.
The Way, Way Back: 8/10- Oh I love Sam Rockwell.
Elysium: 5/10- Enjoyable but forgettable. Matt Damon.
You're Next: 7/10- Best horror film in years.
Jadoo: 7/10- And now I'm really hungry.
Rush: 6/10- Zroooom vroooooom vvvrrrooooom zrooom vroooommm!!
The Call: 6/10- Third act syndrome strikes again.
Blue Jasmine: 8/10- Like a drunken Frances Ha.
Austenland: 4/10- How did this even happen?
Runner Runner: 4/10- Insufficient Gemma to reach forgiveness.
Sunshine on Leith: 6/10- From misery to (Extreme) happiness.
Prisoners: 7/10- Gritty grit from Grittown, Grittania
Filth: 6/10- Morally abhorrent corrupt Scottish fun
Machete Kills: 3/10- That joke isn't funny anymore.
How I Live Now: 8/10- Heart, love, grit and war
Captain Phillips: 6/10- Some good acting going on.
Thor: The Dark World: 7/10- Fun with Kat and Tom.
Escape Plan: 4/10- The Stalloneshank Redemption. With Arnie.
One Chance: 5/10- Undeniably gratuitous but strangely endearing.
Ender's Game: 6/10- The Hunger Games... IN SPACE!
Philomena: 7/10- Moving drama powered by Partridgisms.
Short Term 12: 7/10- Careful, meticulous and notably powerful.
Gravity: 8/10- Greatest visuals I've ever seen.
The Butler: 3/10- Alan Rickman plays Ronald Reagan.
Dom Hemingway: 6/10- Fun, dirty romp. No more.
Battle of the Year: 3/10- Clichéd clichés drinking cliché juice
Don Jon: 5/10- Tonally bizarre. Obvious first attempt.
Saving Mr. Banks: 6/10- I cried. Three times. Yeah.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: 8/10- Striking cinema. Lawrence reigns supreme.
Free Birds: 3/10- A first draft with potential.
Nebraska: 8/10- Worth walking two states for.
Powder Room: 5/10- Belongs on the stage, really.
Kill Your Darlings: 7/10- Turns out Radcliff can act.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: 4/10- Now with added Orlando Bloom!
Frozen: 8/10- Loved every second of it.
It's a Wonderful Life: 9/10- Every time a bell rings...
The Harry Hill Movie: 6/10- Well I laughed, so there.
Moshi Monsters: The Movie: 2/10- Like sugar-coated vomit juice.
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues: 7/10- Steve Carrell is very funny.
All is Lost: 7/10- Robert Redford must be 80...
Anyway, five words next to the film, with a score out of 10. Simple. Scoring explanation's at the bottom. If I see a film I also saw in 2012 again, it goes straight in as a repeat viewing. I'm also going to record if I saw the film in 3D or IMAX if it's available for that film. If, for example, I see something three, once in IMAX 3D, once in just 3D and once in 2D, I'd record the first one, then the next two as repeat viewings seperately.
These rules are mostly here for myself. Anyway, just watch as this fills up over the next 12 months...
Les Miserables: 6/10- Full-on sing-song spectacle.
The Impossible: 6/10- Who needs five words? Devastating.
Zero Dark Thirty: 8/10- And Best Picture goes to...
Quartet: 5/10- Conneley makes an endearing pervert.
The Last Stand: 5/10- As bad as you'd hope.
Movie 43: 1/10- An embarrassment to cinemas everywhere.
A Good Day To Die Hard: 2/10- Stupid, soulless soporific consumerist tripe.
Wreck-It Ralph: 8/10- 100 minutes of 8-bit grinning.
Warm Bodies: 7/10- Zombio and Juliet. Great fun.
Beautiful Creatures: 7/10- Think Twilight with sharper dialogue.
Hitchcock: 5/10- Better than The Girl, anyway.
Lincoln: 8/10- I'd watch three more hours.
Searching for Sugarman: 8/10- An amazing story deservidly told.
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters: 3/10- Clumsily shot and messily written.
Broken City: 5/10- Good until the plot explodes.
I Give It a Year: 5/10- Interesting idea, doesn't work. Shrug.
Mama: 5/10- An ironically solid ghost movie.
Django Unchained: 6/10- Good thing, waaaaaaay too much.
Robot & Frank: 7/10- Robot heist on charm offensive
Monsters, Inc.: 9/10- God, I love that film.
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone: 6/10- Passes the six-laugh test.
Oz: The Great and the Powerful: 6/10- A reboot that actually cares.
The Croods: 5/10- Technically sound and soundly hollow.
Side Effects: 7/10- It's bonkers. I loved it.
Identity Thief: 4/10- Hahaha. Look, a fat lady.
Compliance: 1/10- Dubiously-motivated misogynist exploitation drivel.
Jack the Giant Slayer: 5/10- Meh. Bill Nighy criminally underused.
The Paperboy: 7/10- Odd yet compelling. Effron's great.
Trance: 7/10- Bargain Hunt meets Christopher Nolan
GI Joe: Retaliation: 4/10- Stupid, but so, so bizarre.
In The House: 8/10- Incredible. Thoughtful, pacey and inspiring.
The Odd Life of Timothy Green: 6/10- Shut up. I liked it.
The Host: 4/10- No Twilight or Truman Show.
Spring Breakers: 8/10- Words cannot describe Spring Breakers.
Scary Movie 5: 4/10- Decent jokes, talentless writers. Wasted.
The Place Beyond The Pines: 6/10- Brilliant first act, then meh.
Iron Man 3: 7/10- Very well-written. I'm impressed.
Bernie: 5/10- Black comedy without the comedy.
Love Is All You Need: 6/10- My favourite Danish Brosnan romcom.
All Stars: 6/10- Surprisingly good fun. Great cameos.
Chimpanzee: 5/10- Pleasant viewing. Not exactly gripping.
Olympus Has Fallen: 3/10- Olympus Has Fallen Asleep, probably
Star Trek Into Darkness: 6/10- I want more Benedict Cumberbatch.
Epic: 5/10- I want more Chris O'Dowd.
The Great Gatsby: 7/10- One man's (admittedly entertaining) take.
Populaire: 6/10- Must type these words quicker...
Summer in February: 5/10- Go back to BBC Two.
Man of Steel: 5/10- Great first hour. Snoozeworthy second.
Stuck in Love: 6/10- Lots to like. Mildly depressing.
The Purge: 4/10- Strong concept, clumsy execution. Shame.
Now You See Me: 6/10- Entertaining. Can't ask for more.
This Is The End: 6/10- Satan possessing Jonah Hill = Funny
Behind The Candelabra: 7/10- Too gay for America. Recommended.
The East: 5/10- Passable but ultimately forgettable thriller
Hummingbird: 5/10- Irreverent yet hard-hitting fun.
The Internship: 5/10- Mildly amusing product placement bombardment
Despicable Me 2: 7/10- Bottom. *Giggles for 90 minutes*
The Bling Ring: 7/10- A very smartly directed film.
World War Z: 5/10- Dead behind the eyes. Forgettable.
Monsters University: 6/10- Wasn't Monsters Inc. so great?
Pacific Rim: 7/10- Bigger robots, bigger fun. Terrific.
The Worlds' End: 8/10- Wright is my favourite director.
The Frozen Ground: 5/10- Nic Cage continues to exist.
Citadel: 7/10- Terrific little British horror movie.
Frances Ha: 9/10- An amazing, infectiously joyous film.
The Smurfs 2: 3/10- Smurf off, all of you.
The Wolverine: 6/10- Well-executed Japanese slasher nonsense.
Alan Partridge: Alpha Pappa: 7/10- Textbook Partridge humour. Jurassic Park!
The Heat: 5/10- I did laugh. Not enough.
The Conjuring: 5/10- I've seen it all before.
RED 2: 4/10- Bruce Willis back on autopilot.
Only God Forgives: 4/10- Ryan Gosling giving moody looks.
Kick-Ass 2: 7/10- So. Much. Fun. Love it.
2 Guns: 6/10- Misleading title. Contains 97 guns.
Planes: 3/10- Witless, pointless and dull. Bleh.
Percy Jackson: Sea of the Monsters: 5/10- Average yet refreshing kids entertainment.
Grown Ups 2: 3/10- Let's never do this again.
About Time: 8/10- Richard Curtis: King of Romcoms
Pain & Gain: 6/10- Micahel Bay's first enjoyable film.
We're The Millers: 5/10- Fails the six-laugh test.
Lovelace: 7/10- Amanda Seyfried is absolutely brilliant.
The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: 4/10- A lot of wasted potential.
One Direction: This Is Us: 6/10- Guilty as charged. I enjoyed.
The Way, Way Back: 8/10- Oh I love Sam Rockwell.
Elysium: 5/10- Enjoyable but forgettable. Matt Damon.
You're Next: 7/10- Best horror film in years.
Jadoo: 7/10- And now I'm really hungry.
Rush: 6/10- Zroooom vroooooom vvvrrrooooom zrooom vroooommm!!
The Call: 6/10- Third act syndrome strikes again.
Blue Jasmine: 8/10- Like a drunken Frances Ha.
Austenland: 4/10- How did this even happen?
Runner Runner: 4/10- Insufficient Gemma to reach forgiveness.
Sunshine on Leith: 6/10- From misery to (Extreme) happiness.
Prisoners: 7/10- Gritty grit from Grittown, Grittania
Filth: 6/10- Morally abhorrent corrupt Scottish fun
Machete Kills: 3/10- That joke isn't funny anymore.
How I Live Now: 8/10- Heart, love, grit and war
Captain Phillips: 6/10- Some good acting going on.
Thor: The Dark World: 7/10- Fun with Kat and Tom.
Escape Plan: 4/10- The Stalloneshank Redemption. With Arnie.
One Chance: 5/10- Undeniably gratuitous but strangely endearing.
Ender's Game: 6/10- The Hunger Games... IN SPACE!
Philomena: 7/10- Moving drama powered by Partridgisms.
Short Term 12: 7/10- Careful, meticulous and notably powerful.
Gravity: 8/10- Greatest visuals I've ever seen.
The Butler: 3/10- Alan Rickman plays Ronald Reagan.
Dom Hemingway: 6/10- Fun, dirty romp. No more.
Battle of the Year: 3/10- Clichéd clichés drinking cliché juice
Don Jon: 5/10- Tonally bizarre. Obvious first attempt.
Saving Mr. Banks: 6/10- I cried. Three times. Yeah.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: 8/10- Striking cinema. Lawrence reigns supreme.
Free Birds: 3/10- A first draft with potential.
Nebraska: 8/10- Worth walking two states for.
Powder Room: 5/10- Belongs on the stage, really.
Kill Your Darlings: 7/10- Turns out Radcliff can act.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: 4/10- Now with added Orlando Bloom!
Frozen: 8/10- Loved every second of it.
It's a Wonderful Life: 9/10- Every time a bell rings...
The Harry Hill Movie: 6/10- Well I laughed, so there.
Moshi Monsters: The Movie: 2/10- Like sugar-coated vomit juice.
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues: 7/10- Steve Carrell is very funny.
All is Lost: 7/10- Robert Redford must be 80...
REPEAT VIEWINGS
If I've seen a film for a second (Or third) times, it goes down under here. The rating is out of 5, from 'Well, I didn't really want to see it for a second time...' to 'Already booking my third trip'. It's entirely on how the film holds up, seeing it again within a month, rather than the quality of the piece. If there's another rating after the initial one, that means I've seen it three or four or how many ever times.
Pitch Perfect: 5/5
Wreck-It Ralph: 4/5
Jack The Giant Slayer: 2/5
This is the End: 3/5
The Worlds' End: 4/5, 5/5, 4/5, 5/5
Frances Ha: 4/5
Alan Partridge: Alpha Pappa: 5/5
HOW I SCORE
I count 5/10 as average, as opposed to the 7/10 that seems to increasingly be becoming commonplace. It's all my opinion and everything, and I reserve the right to change the score slightly if I change my mind about a film, although I do try not to play about too much. Instead of starting at the top and working down, as many seem to do, I like to start at 5 and see if a film can go up or down from there. 10/10 means flawless, and I've never seen such a film. 9/10makes it a high-point within the genre, a real stand-out. An 8/10 film is a must-see: something that excels my expectations for that film. 6/10 means it's a good, enjoyable, solid example of the genre, whereas 4/10 means the opposite. The difference between a 2/10 and a 1/10 film is that a 2 means I'd kill to avoid seeing it again. 1/10 means I'd kill to have never seen it again. I won't be giving any 0s, unless the film doesn't exist. Far as the colours go, the numbers get darker or 'hotter', if you will, as the film gets better, all the way from a 1/10 to a 10/10. I won't be giving 0s, unless the film actually doesn't exist. Make sense? Thought so. Excellent.
If you're interested in a list of all films I've seen this year, in the cinema or otherwise, here's a link to a list-
http://letterboxd.com/squidgygoat/films/diary/
If I've seen a film for a second (Or third) times, it goes down under here. The rating is out of 5, from 'Well, I didn't really want to see it for a second time...' to 'Already booking my third trip'. It's entirely on how the film holds up, seeing it again within a month, rather than the quality of the piece. If there's another rating after the initial one, that means I've seen it three or four or how many ever times.
Pitch Perfect: 5/5
Wreck-It Ralph: 4/5
Jack The Giant Slayer: 2/5
This is the End: 3/5
The Worlds' End: 4/5, 5/5, 4/5, 5/5
Frances Ha: 4/5
Alan Partridge: Alpha Pappa: 5/5
HOW I SCORE
I count 5/10 as average, as opposed to the 7/10 that seems to increasingly be becoming commonplace. It's all my opinion and everything, and I reserve the right to change the score slightly if I change my mind about a film, although I do try not to play about too much. Instead of starting at the top and working down, as many seem to do, I like to start at 5 and see if a film can go up or down from there. 10/10 means flawless, and I've never seen such a film. 9/10makes it a high-point within the genre, a real stand-out. An 8/10 film is a must-see: something that excels my expectations for that film. 6/10 means it's a good, enjoyable, solid example of the genre, whereas 4/10 means the opposite. The difference between a 2/10 and a 1/10 film is that a 2 means I'd kill to avoid seeing it again. 1/10 means I'd kill to have never seen it again. I won't be giving any 0s, unless the film doesn't exist. Far as the colours go, the numbers get darker or 'hotter', if you will, as the film gets better, all the way from a 1/10 to a 10/10. I won't be giving 0s, unless the film actually doesn't exist. Make sense? Thought so. Excellent.
If you're interested in a list of all films I've seen this year, in the cinema or otherwise, here's a link to a list-
http://letterboxd.com/squidgygoat/films/diary/
Tuesday, 24 December 2013
The Grand Owen Awards Nominations 2013
It's that time of year again! The year-long cycle of waiting and speculation is finally over; the nominations, in full, for the 2nd Annual Owen Awards are below. Awards are given on my own much-deliberated opinion and are open to any film that received a UK general cinema release in 2013. That means Oscar favourites such as Twelve Years a Slave, Inside Llewyn Davis and Her are not eligible, though a number of last years' winners such as Zero Dark Thirty, Lincoln and Django Unchained are. Six films or individuals are nominated in each category, aside from 'Best Picture', the increased prestige of the award lending itself to eight nominations.There is, perhaps, one big change this year. Gone are the negative awards. Yes, terrible films are still being made, but these awards should be a celebration of the best, not a shaming of the worst. Even though there is a 'bogey prize' in one of two new categories, it is still done with cinema's best interests and encouragement at heart.
Last year, the big winners were Bond spectacular Skyfall and Danish drama A Royal Affair, each scooping two awards- the latter also walking away with the highly prestigious 'Best Picture' title. This year, with the rather charming award just above as motivation, the competition is even tougher than ever. So, without further ado, here are the films up for the much-coveted Owen Awards in 2013...
Sunday, 22 December 2013
"Argos"
The following was submitted as a piece of Creative Writing coursework as part of my University course. I just though I'd post it on here for the sake of it. You might as well read it.
"Argos"
Argos
makes me feel uncomfortable. The system doesn’t make sense. Are shelves not
good enough for them? I mean, they sell shelves, so they clearly don’t have a
problem with them. I have never bought anything in Argos. I never intended to
either, but last months’ court hearing has forced my hand. Seeing as I can
never again legally visit a UK branch of Currys, if I want this new toaster,
Argos is my only option. I just need to brave the desk now. It’s Item 8467008.
Item 8467008…
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
Here is a list of things I love about Matt Smith as the Doctor
1. The way he talks. Seriously, the main motivation for me to tune in each week has increasingly become to hear him tackle lengthy speeches in such inventive, amusing and often hilarious ways. The best episodes are always those where the Doctor saves the universe using a monologue, and Matt Smith has turned a hobby of previous Doctors into an art form.
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