Probably the Films of the Year Awards 2011

This blog is like an escape for me, one I haven't used very often. It means I can write about films, which is nice. Also, that poentially nobody will ever read it, but it's still there, lying published like some kind of ill newspaper. It means I can get away with that last sentance, and the fact that I can draw up a Films Of The Year list despite not having seen any of the real 'favourites' for the crown from those in the know- I wanted to see We Need To Talk About Kevin, but have a bunch of particuarly un-morbid friends. My many attempts to see Tinker Taylor Soilder Spy were thwarted time and time again by everything from a broken projector to a man being hit in the head with a dinner tray (Nobody reads, I don't have to explain). As such, the following list simply condems what I HAVE seen with an award, eventually leaving one to collect the coverted Ramblings Blobery Cup For Best Film 2011 Sponsered by Cillit Bang. (Not actually sponsered by Cillit Bang) And, even though I saw it this, no, sorry, last year, I'm counting The Kings Speech as a 2010 movie. Otherwise it would have won everything. Except whatever I'm about to give to Your Highness. That was a stinker.

BEST OTHERWISE GREAT ADAPTATION THAT RUINED THE BOOK'S ENDING: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two

I love Harry Potter. I've read all the books multiple times. I know the rules of Quiddich better than I do Cricket (Although, that said, most people do) and I also happen to have seen, and enjoyed, all the films. Personally, I hold the third book and sixth film as my favourites, although in both the seventh isn't far behind. In fact, all of David Yates' work has been outstanding to me, espechially as he turned the dullest book into a lively and exciting motion picture whilst handling the Order of the Pheonix. So imagine my disapoinment after leaving the cinema following my screening of the final film, having seen the incredibly rewarding ending JK Rowling had written turned into two blokes hitting each other with fireworks. For this, it gets an award of mixed praise.

Most fun rubbish: Real Steel
The broken projector when seeing TTSS I mentioned previously lead to me watching Real Steel, with the worst expectations having despised Transformers. However, just watching Real Steel shows where Michael Bay went wrong with his adaptation of a childrens toy. In trying to make it 'appeal' to an older audience with sex and violence, he purged it of the only thing a toy has going for it: fun. Real Steel was cheesey beyond belief. It has no real likeable characters, let alone notable plot or ideas. However, Real Steel is wonderfully directed and portrays a sense of appropriatly child-like joy in it's take on robots hitting each other. It's terrible, but absolutely teriffic. See it.

Worst Film To Involved A Minitor's Genitle Area: Your Highness

It's also the best film to flounce a horned creature's willy around as well by defult, but to call Your Highness the best anything is a compliment too far. It's a sad state of affairs when a film that boasts the tag "Funniest Film Of The Year" can't raise a single laugh from me, a robot created by scientists trying to identify what humour is, designed to laugh whenever there's a single trace of what you humans call 'Funniness' present. From the deeply uncomfortable scenes involving a paedophillic cannabis-smoking dragon to the general sense of dislike I couldn't help but feel for every single character in the whole piece, it's the worst film I saw in 2011 and is something I really don't want to experience again.

Film I Actually Did Find The Most Funniest Of The Year: Jonny English Reborn

This is not a 'Comedy of the Year' prize. It is an award for the film at which I laughed the most. And for that, there can only be one answer. It's the one with Mr Bean pretending to be James Bond. Perhaps it didn't have anything quite as funny as the best bits in the original, but the gags kept coming as if they'd been writing them for the past 8 years since the original was released. Obviously as a Rowan Atkinson fan, I can't recommend this highly enough. Unless you're looking for a film about a monarch trying to solve a stammer. Then I'd point you towards The Kings Speech.

OVERALL FILM OF THE YEAR (OR WHATEVER I CALLED IT EARLIER): Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Since I wrote my review of ROTPOTA in July, I've managed to see the two earliest Planet of the Apes films, and couldn't help but be blown away by them. Not only were they still culturaly relevent, but they also tied with ROTPOTA in the kind of the way that'd make you think that they were sequels to that, not the other way around. Even when I saw it, Rise was screaming out as a FOTY favourite, showcasing some of the best CGI I'd ever seen and a performance from James Franco that totally worked as an appology for him being involved in Your Highness. It was obviously made as a blockbuster, but it's a smart blockbuster. It's a proper film in it's own right, not just a money making excersize, unlike the majority of motion pictures I saw in 2011. Here's hoping 2012 follows ROTPOTA's lead and keeps the top two inches present admist any explosions.

The Gaming TARDIS: The History of Professor Layton

This article will appear on KN tommorow, as I'm writing this in bed on the smart phone I boasted about in my last post as I have no computer accessn at the momment to write it in a Word document and paste it in. But here are some words about Professor Layton anyway.

Every generation, there is one genre of video game that simply dominates all others. In the NES era, simple exploration and platform games were king, with very few 'mature' titles on the market, a theme that remained amongst the MegaDrive/Super Nintendo platform heyday, as the likes of Sonic 2 and Super Mario World simply churned out. Today, however, the video game market is ruled by the first-person shooter: a genre so childishly adult that any scraps of maturity current titles have are blown away by an encore of blood and guts.

So it's refreshing to have a genuinely grown-up series doing well at the moment as well, as the Professor Layton series goes from strength to strength under the watchful eye of the world's greatest publisher, although it's not Nintendo who deserves the endless credit the Layton series rightfully earns. Level-5 have come from nothing to become a world-class developer, on a par with the likes of Valve, Intellegent Systems and the afformentioned first-party Japanese giant. It's an incredible story for a developer with such a short history to suddenly be producing titles of the quality of Layton, Dragon Quest IX and Ni No Kuni.

Formed in 2000, their first release was PS2 RPG Dark Cloud, often referred to as one of the system's best. The sucsess of this and the sequel, Dark Chronicle, resulted in the most coverted RPG prize in Japan: The Dragon Quest license. In 2005 they'd turn out a memorable entry into the franchise before begining work on an original idea of their own, a new take on the Touch! Generations range Nintendo was pushing on the DS. Originally just a collection of puzzles, based on a popular series of books in Japan, Level-5 grew fond of the idea of linking the brainteasers in some way. The suggestion of a coherant story running throughout the game was such a brilliant idea you had to wonder how nobody had thought of it beforehand.

As for the character of Layton, you've got everyone's favourite Scottish philosophist to thank if Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes. While he didn't personally devise Layton and Luke, the inspiration for all the reoccuring characters is drawn from the classic detective stories. Sherlock becomes Hershell Layton, Dr Watson is (somewhat unfairly) a small, cockney boy and James Morriarty can now be percieved to be an over-the-top, camp villian of '60s Baman proportions.

The rather lovely European/Japanese hybrid of an art style was actually a happy accident, with the staff just agreeing that Layton looked best with the shading he did, and designing a suitable world. Meanwhile, the grand THAT THING. *INSERT TEXT HERE* score is unrivaled in terms of wonderful, rousing game themes that don't rely on choirs to get the hairs on the back of your neck standing up and goes hand-in-hand with the slightly more conservative approach taken with the in-game themes, as they conjure up music that manages to not be annoying no matter how often you here it as if by magic.

The real secret to the sucess of Professor Layton as a series is the charm that the above combination provides. Likeable characters (And Luke), a fantastically soft art style, witty scripts, clever plot twists and great music slot together like something from one of those 'Get the ball into the whole' puzzles that populate every single game. It'd probably been a hit if released with these elements alone, but what makes Layton appealing over another Call of Duty/'Call of Duty killer' is that there's nothing like it. Chances are, between CODs or Need For Speeds there are eight billion shooters and racers out there saturating the market. But how many other puzzle-solving English gentleman simulators are there? Not that many, we'll tell you that much...

*We wanted to say none, but then we'd have to overlook staff favourite, the excellent Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure on DS. It's nothing like Layton beyond the character and a 'puzzle element', but well worth checking out.

Witchcraft!

I'm back again, and this time, I've got technology on my side, in order to make closer-to-interesting posts. Yes, I've finally embraced a phone that works (My last call-machine didn't even have a calculator) and as such figured out what a life-changer an app store is.

It's amazing, isn't it? Whilst my flash new piece of metal can't play Snake (In my eyes, the primary use of a mobile phone) it can let me watch endless montages of Shane Williams tries, discover who played the man in the shop that got robbed in Batman Begins and write this here blog, on the off chance somebody cares about my opinion. Which they don't.

Anyway, I've got as far as downloading the Blogger app and using it even though theres a readily-avalible computer with an eager keyboard just waiting to be tapped. It's a miracle. The entire SmartPhone experience is an entirely pointless one, but one that I am willing to accept after being so ignorant of it for so long. Wonderfull.

Oh, and I saw Real Steel a few weeks ago because they'd stopped showing Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy. It was quite good fun. I may do a proper review of it later, but right now, I'm going to rest my thumbs. All this QWERTY-ing can't be good for them. Espechially with SKYWARD SWORD only two days away...

Film What I Saw #6: Johnny English Reborn

It's probably best that I'll start off by saying that I'm a huge fan of Rowan Atkinson. In my eyes, he's the funniest physical comedian in the world, and up there with the all-time best comic actors. Mr. Bean is amongst the most hilarious TV series ever made, and even Atkinson poorer efforts, such as the two Bean movies, have still had numerous laugh-out-loud moments. The original Johnny English was one of the daftest films I've ever seen. The whole thing was extremely predictable, extraordinarily stupid and yet somehow very, very funny. Whilst I'm aware that others may not share this opinion, I thought it best to lay down the fact that I went into JER with higher expectations than I really should for what is, essentially, Mr Bean pretending to be James Bond for 90 minutes.

I was expecting to be disappointed. The 'Aisle or window seat' gag near the start was a total miss, although there had -admittedly- been a snigger previously as the title character bounced his way through the 'training'. The film continued as Mr. English finds his way back to London to rejoin MI9, with my expectations turning to a perhaps appropriate level, although I need not have been so concerned. It wasn't long before the film had set me off again. Perhaps 'serious critics' may turn their nose up at the film, but I think to deny that Johnny English Reborn is very, very funny is to go against the majority's opinion, and I happen to be one of the majority.

It's hard to write about comedy, especially good comedy. And even more so, slapstick comedy. Atkinson's work relies so heavily on the element of surprise that naturally occurs when we see a helicopter traveling along a road as if it were a car. There's plenty of gags that can tease a snigger out, if anything more than the original, which seemed to almost take its plot seriously. This one's jokes are usually hits, but they tend to be around the outside of the dartboard, with only one or two comic bulls-eyes lingering on the tape. There's nothing quite as funny as the muscle-relaxant drug from the original, but it's still the funniest of three comedies I've seen this year, and, as such, is certainly recommended.

7 voice-changing sweets out of 10

The computer is fixed, all praise the man who doesn't speak fluent English

My computer broke. Everything went funny. It's now fixed, and I'm finally back on here, ready to post some blog-based nonsense. Here are 5 intresting things that have happened since my computer broke, because this post seems too brief otherwise:


-NZ won the World Cup final this morning. That's sort-of interesting.

-I finally got my hands on Rugby Challenge. It's quite good, although hardly a Game Of The Year contender under any circumstances. Passing is broken, there's no team selection for random matches, there's a large number of irritating glitches and many squads are incorrect even for last season. However, as a Rugby fan, I'm enjoying it...

-Zelda: Skyward Sword's got two near-perfect reviews, which is very exciting. I'm really looking forward to it now, it's on a ridiculous level of anticipation, even greater than at the peak of my Rugby Challenge hyping, or Galaxy 2. Not since Brawl have I been this excited about a game. It's gonna be great...

-I saw Johnny English Reborn, but there'll be more on that later in the next Films What I saw. I've also watched most of The Body Farm, which has impressed me.And The Apprentice starts on Monday!!

-Erm, actually, that's all. I only had 4 exciting things happen, really. The rest is fairly mundane. Well, it all has been, but the rest, even more so. I'm normally pretty selective over what I blog about. I haven't been here. Sorry. I'll get back into the swing of things quickly.

Film What I Saw #5: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Firstly, apologies for no blog in a while. I'd been away (physically) then mentally absent, hence this blogs hiatus. However, today I have been to the cinema and seen a film what I has decided that I will review, innit. Because I review all films I see. Anyway, for those of you reading this in the future, you no doubt won't care about my disappearance, and more about what I thought of the film I'm about to talk about. So let's begin.

I'm not going to pretend that The Planet of the Apes series has been a major part of my life. There shall be no tales of how it affected my childhood, because it didn't. My knowledge of the franchise stems from what I've been told by others and seeing a TV re-run of the pretty bad Tim Burton remake. Yet this lack of emotional attachment to the originals has had no impact on my judgement of the latest instalment in the franchise, a long-awaited reboot.

And what a boot the series has been given. Gone are the silly costumes that seem to plague peoples memories, replaced by some of the most impressive CGI I've ever seen. There's a story that moves at just the right pace, giving the audience time to adjust and understand, but never to get bored. And best of all, said plot is a good 'un. It sees a drug that can apparently increase brain development and rebuild deteriorating patches, supposedly the cure for Alzheimer's, tested on chimpanzees, with largely positive effects. I don't want to spoil any more for those who haven't seen it, and if you do want to know more before watching, the trailer does a far better job of summing it up than me. The key point about this most fantastical of sci-fi plots, though, is that it is something that originated from the ever-controversial issue of animal testing- an idea so obviously Planet of the Apes it's genius. The angle the film takes, or -more to the point- the lack of one, on the issue is, however, one of director Rupert Wyatt's greatest ideas. The oft-debated concept the film is centred around is no more than a plot device. The anti-animal testing is extremely subtle, as it's more used as a way of getting us on head ape Ceaser's side, partically thanks to a good performance from Draco Malfoy as The Boy Everyone Loves To Hate, a part he does so well.

My fears of the film losing it's way in the action-centred final third thankfully were proved to be in vain, as the rise of the movement that begins the rise of the planet of the apes is, like the rest of the film, excellently portrayed and doesn't feel like the excuse to make the trailer more exciting, as it easily could have been. It's instead a nice change, as halfway through the film we do have a lot of shots of apes in cages. However, they never get dull, and are broken up nicely by the scenes involving scientist and Ceaser's father-figure Will (James Franco) wandering around in more versatile locations. Franco puts in an excellent performance as a dad that wants desperately his son back, one that more than forgives him for the utter tripe that was Your Highness, the worst film I've seen this year.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes, however, is on the other end of that scale. Whilst I'm not going to pretend that I've seen an enormous range of this years' films (Partically thanks to the lack of anything but a multiplex nearby) it's still my favourite, as it's a blockbuster that is also interested in being a 'proper film'. It's about something. There's a genuine plot. It's not The Truman Show, it's not It's a Wonderful Life, but it's still a gem of it's own kind, albiet a rather hairy sort.

8.5 circus orangutans out of 10

These are the 30 players Wales should take to the World Cup.

Firstly, appologises it's been a while since my last post, and it's going to be so again, as I'm going to Italy tommorow, so I'll see you all a week today. Now that's the formalities over, in the past two weeks, I've witnessed Wales attempt to develop some kind of strength in depth over the course of two games, home and away, against England. I was lucky enough to be at the one in Cardiff, which was amazing, but the experience has helped me to narrow down my pick as to which players should be headed to New Zealand in under a months time. It'll be the pinacle of many of these players careers, and I'd say all of the ones I've selected have, on the whole, earnt it, with two exceptions, which I'll mention. Anyway, without further ado, here they are, my 30 for Wales:
FULLBACK

Lee Byrne
With Stoddart out, here's our only option. Having been first choice since 2008, he must be selected, and should probably be starting Vs. South Africa and Samoa (The biggest games) due to being a specalist. If we can find him on a good day, he'll be running good lines and using his rather handy 70-metre boot to good effect.


 WINGS

Shane Williams
He's arguably the best attacking player in the world. He's the top try-scorer of any Welshman (ever) or any current player. He's an utter legend and could by no means be left out.

Leigh Halfpenny
Outrageously quick, a fantastic tackler (Amongst the best cover-tacklers in the world) and he also has that seigegun boot to draw upon. A vital player, and one I'd start over George North just for his greater skill set. He should probably be our back-up Fullback as well.

George North
15 stone, 6 foot, 19 years old. Physically, he's a monster, but he's got the skills of a far smalle,r defter man, proving that big wingers don't have to be brain-dead Matt Banahans. 5 tries in 7 games says it all.



CENTRES

Jamie Roberts
Finally starting to regain form after his Lions exploits in 2009, Roberts has been on great form in the past two games and is looking increasingly like he's going to be a key part of Wales' plans at the World Cup. His defence has improved immesurably and he's starting to run at gaps again.

Jonathan Davies
The form centre in not only Wales but the British Isles in club rugby last season, Davies is finally starting to deliver on his poential thanks to his increased respect for the basic skill of passing. He's looking more and more like a playmaker with each passing game, but still offers Roberts-like physicality in midfield. He's also far too quick for his size.

Gavin Henson
Yes, I'd take him and no, I'm not watching The Bachelor on Friday. It's simple as this: Henson is a distributing 12. Wales need a distributer at 12. Henson use to be world class, before he went off the boil and took 18 months off from rugby. In his 20 mins on Saturday, I think he showed his poetential once more. I'd not only take him, but start him once he's fit again.

Scott Williams
Creeps in thanks to the Stoddart injury, he's virtualy a no-namer, but has really impressed me on all three of his bench appearances for Wales. He seems to have an eye for the gap and quite a bit of pace, as well as physicality. I recall him playing well for the u20s last year, and he's taken a massive step up.





Fly-Halves

James Hook
"James Hook... HOOK IS THROUGH! It's Wales who gets the try!" His try, plus two vital penalties, on Saturday just showed how key he is to Wales. Shane and Adam Jones aside, he's our best player, and he has to play every game (Possibly aside from Namibia) otherwise our creativty shall stiffle majorly. Fly-Half is his best positon, but he may be forced to act as that distributing 12.

Stephen Jones
Good ol' Stephen. Mr. Dependable. Soon to be Wales' most-capped player, Steve may yet be the man we need. A cool, calculating head and a very nice chap indeed, he's less likely to make the mistakes Hook or Priestland'll make, but at the same time, the risks he doesn't take may prevent Wales from scoring. I don't think Steveo stiffles Wales creativity or anything, but he won't start something himself like the other 2 would. However, I think him and Hook together may be what we need in a big game.

Rhys Priestland
If you'd told me a year ago that Rhys Priestland would be playing for Wales, I'd assume Gatland had thrown another wobbler. However, he's really earnt it, and then rewarded the Welsh coaches, and, indeed, public with two excellent displays against the Old Enemy. He's a cert for the plane now.


Scrum-Halves

Tavis Knoyle
At the minute, Tavis Knoyle is our best scrum-half. He suits our style of play, offering both physicality and quick ball and is also a great passer, unlike a certain Mr. Phillips. I can see the arguments that he isn't expeirenced enough to take on the Boks, but we'll see this wekeend when he plays Argentina.

Mike Phillips
Not because he's one of our three best scrum-halves, because he certainly isn't, but because he's the one getting all the gametime. The slowest in international Rugby by a long way, Phillips is pretty much useless in attack, but when it comes to defending he earns his worth, and he finally convinced me of that last week. He may be the man to sit on the bench and come on if we get a narrow lead.

Dwyane Peel
I have no idea what's going on with Dwyane Peel. He should probably be first choice, but he wasn't released until the 4th August, meaning he couldn't play Vs. England, and even then he was injured, according to Rob Howley, but then he says he's not and... AGGHH!! Just pick him. He's a good, all-round 9.


Props

Adam Jones
The best prop in the world. That's all.

Gethin Jenkins
He's going, no matter what state he's in. Probably the world's premier loosehead, he's an excellent scrummager but it's in the loose that his work is really apprechiated. He tackles and chases like a flanker and runs with the ball in hand like a centre. His work rate is phoenimum, and he also holds the world record for most tackles in one match bya prop- 18, a statistic the Richie McCaws and Thierry Dusitoirs of the world would be proud of.

Paul James
He's turned himself into a fine replacement for the currently ultra-injury prone Gethin Jenkins, and as such is likely to play the first game against the defending champions, and shall be on the bench for the big games once Gethin's fit again. A good scrummager and decent enough in the loose to pass at international level.

Craig Mitchell
He's struggled the past two weeks, but held up very, very well in the Six Nations against some world-class front rowers such as Castrogiovanni, Cole and Mas. He booked his flight to New Zealand long ago.

Ryan Bevington
Wonderfully athletic, he gets in thanks to Gethin's injury. He's a very intellegent footballer for a propa dn is currently learning to handle top-level scrummaging. Could find himself on the Lions tour in 2013 if he continues to develop at this pace.



Hookers

Richard Hibbard
He'll find himself as our first-choice at the World Cup thanks to Matthew Rees' incredibly unfortunate recovery (I wish him a speedy recovery). Thankfully, he's proved his worth as of late, and is, in my opinon, better than Dylan Hartley, Rory Best and Ross Ford, the first-choice hookers for each of the other home nations.

Huw 'Not Straight' Bennett
He's certainly not earnt his right to be playing for Wales. He's awful. He can't throw at all and is constantly mashed in the scrum. He's not even a good carrier, as Burns is. His one good trait is his knack of cleaning up after others when they make mistakes, although nobody can ever manage to clean up after his horrendous wobblers. However, he has to go as Ken Owens hasn't played for Wales yet.

Lloyd Burns
Again, he's not as good as Ken Owens, but he is capped, and has looked quite good in the loose, even if his throwing was rather poor on Saturday. He should be behind Ken, but finds himself infront. Good form for the Dragons is to thank for that. He's a good carrier, as mentioned above, though, so that's something.


Locks

Alun-Wyn Jones
Great tackle count, hard worker, good in the lineout. He's a leader. He must go and must start.

Bradley Davies
A hard-nosed player and a good carrier, Bradley and Alun-Wyn could and probably should be the Welsh boiler room combination for years to come. Both have already etched their way into the First XV, and as such little more has to be said on them.

Luke Charteris
A good performance on Saturday was, in my eyes, all he needed to get on the plane. he delivered, and so they're currently moddifying that particular jet to hold in 7-foot frame. His heigh is useful in the lineout, but he's also got some deft skills in those long arms, although he is somewhat more mistake prone than AWJ and Bradley.


Back Row

Danny Lydiate
Lydiate's game is simple: He hits hard, and he keeps hitting hard. He's a grafter, and he doesn't pretend to be any more or any less. Watch the game against Fiji, where he just smashed and continued to smash a team known for their physicality and the last All Blacks match, as he just took the NZ back-row out of the game, meaning Wales could keep hold of their own ball without a certain Mr. McCaw pinching it. We need him to provide some serious bish bash bosh.

Sam Warburton
The king is dead, long live the king... The only player to ever look like, let alone actually manage to, usurp Martyn 'legend' Williams from the Welsh no. 7 jesrey, Warburton is the modern-day jackle king and over the past few weeks has surpased David Pocock, in my eyes, anyway, as the second-best openside in world rugby. He'll probably be our captain, too.

Ryan Jones
He should be our starting No. 8, in my eyes, a decission that I think has finally been settled.. He's not as dynamic as Toby Faletau, but is a safe pair of hands in what is otherwise a very young and inexperienced back row. He'll also be the cover lock and 6.

Toby Faletau
Toby needs more time to turn himself into a top-level eightman, and in a vital RWC match Vs. the Springboks isn't the time to do it. Bench, maybe, but not starting. He should certainly go to the World Cup, mind. Hence his inclusion on this list.

Josh Turnbull
Turnbull's been in excellent form all season, and that's why he gets in. I would have liked to have seen him play at 6 this weekend, as I feel Lydiate's done enough, but I'd still say he's booked himself a place by not screwing up on any of his international cameos. He won Wales the penalty that clinched the win on Saturday, too, just proving that he can cope at the highest level.

Martyn Williams
Yes, he's 9000 years old, and yes, he's begining to drop off the pace, but I, along with the entire Welsh public, love Martyn and just want him to go to the World Cup. He doesn't have to earn it. All we have to do is get Jiffy to give Martyn a man-of-the-match award for the game against Argentina on Saturday, and we'll be happy. Please let him go, Mr. Gatland. He doesn't have to be first choice (Warburton has earnt that right) but I so want him to get his 100th cap, there is nobody more deserving...



So, that's my 30. I'd like to see Gareth Delve go, too, but he's been dropped from the squad thanks to 'Not being able to keep up in training' or something. I'll examine what Gatland does when I'm back home next week, after he names his actualy 30 on Monday, giving him 2 days to chew over the Argentina game and decide he realy does want to take Martyn Williams. Until next time...